


Day of the Seven Billion Sadies

by KriegsaffeNo9



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alien Invasion, Clones, Evil Twins, Feghoot, Gen, Transformation, shitpost
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-07
Updated: 2020-09-07
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:35:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26337298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KriegsaffeNo9/pseuds/KriegsaffeNo9
Summary: Sadie awakens to a world in which everybody now looks like her.  Why?  (Probably aliens.)
Kudos: 3





	Day of the Seven Billion Sadies

For having done it hundreds of times the past couple of years, Sadie was absolutely terrible at waking up early. She slumped out of her house at 4 o'clock before even her mom had woken up, biked through empty streets to the Big Donut, and began her shift, the smell of coffee the only thing keeping her tethered to the waking world.

It was when another Sadie walked in the door she suspected she was still asleep.

"Wha...?" Sadie (the original) muttered.

"Oh--hey, Sadie," the other Sadie said. The other Sadie had tan skin, reddish-brown hair, and while it was Sadie's own voice, that was definitely not her mode of speech. "Good morning... and stuff." Other-Sadie scratched her head. "Say, uh. Do I look normal to you?"

"Normal how?" Sadie Classic said.

"You know, like I normally look."

"You're browner than I usually am," Sadie said.

"Oh... so I look like you."

"...Lars?" Sadie sad, leaning over the counter.

"Ee-e-e-e-yep..." Larsadie said, shifting from heel to toe. "So, definitely dreaming right now."

"We both are, obviously," Sadie laughed.

"Yeah! Obviously. Well." Lars looked around the Big Donut. "Should I actually start doing my job? If it's a dream, I shouldn't waste it."

"Eh," Sadie said. "If I'm sleepwalking, I wanna do my job while sleepwalking."

"...dang it, me too. That's less time I have to be awake at work."

It was two Sadies behind the counter, the sign flipped to OPEN at 5:00 AM. Not a minute later, a Sadie walked through the door.

"Mornin', kids!" the bald African-American Sadie said. "You still got hot coffee to go?"

"We ab... absolutely do," Sadie said, smiling awkwardly wide.

"Oh, don't worry," the new Sadie said, "it's the same ol' Mr. Smiley who just walked in your door! It looks like I'm rocking a new style, but eh, when the universe zigs, Mr. Smiley zigs with it! Oh, and can I get a jelly donut? Strawberry, if you have it, cherry if you don't!"

"Sadie," Larsadie said once Smiladie left the store, "this is weird."

"Weird? You think it's weird?" Sadie said.

"Well, uh, we're both imprisoned in this... prison... of weird!" Larsadie said.

"You know what, I bet there's some message in this dream, but I absolutely don't want to deal with it," Sadie said. "So I'm gonna wake up now."

Silence, but for the hum of the lights.

"...well?" Larsadie said. "Gonna pinch yourself or something?"

"You know what? I changed my mind. Let's ride this out. Zig with the universe."

The morning rolled on, and it only got weirder from there.

"He-e-ey," a Sadie who was paler all over, with hair that came to an oniony point, "do you people do kolaches, or just that donut hot dog thing? And, uh, relatedly, do you know why I look exactly like you?" She pointed at Larsadie.

"Hey, I woke up looking like her!" Larsadie said, pointing at Sadie.

"Don't point," Sadie grumbled.

A grumpy, dark-skinned Sadie stomped in next. "Is this some manner of 'viral marketing,' donut child? If it is, I must warn you, I value my health and truck with no thing 'viral,' least of all marketing!"

Sadie cleared her throat and recited the company line on viral marketing: "Big Donut LTD has only run a single viral marketing campaign, 1999's 'The Fryer-Place in the Woods,' as a co-promotion with Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2. We apologize deeply."

"I'll believe you for now," Sadofi Pizza said, shooting her an evil eye and almost leaving. They turned on their heel and said, "Also, I will take a bear claw."

The next Sadie stood up very purposefully straight and adjusted a pair of glasses repaired with tape. "A- _hem_ ," Sadaldo said. "Do you happen to have anti-mutagen donuts on-hand, as seen in the seminal 1990 classic _Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: The Secret of the Ooze_?"

Sadie cleared her throat and recited the company line: "If Voodoo Donuts can't do Pepto-Bismol donuts, we definitely can't make donuts with whatever it is you just suggested."

Sadaldo grunted. "Alright. That is fine. Two buckets of donut holes, please."

_"Jesus,"_ Larsadie said once Sadaldo left. "I think we're in over our heads."

"Why hasn't Steven shown up yet?" Sadie said. "Like, aren't we the first people he goes to every day of his life?"

"Maybe we should look for him?" Larsadie said, shrugging. "Maybe that's the point of this dream, that we can't just stand around waiting for--" The door chime jingled. "Hello and welcome to Big Donut!" Larsadie said with a classic retail smile.

"Hey," a cool, sunglassed brunette Sadie said. "You're runnin' a tight ship even in these peerless times. Kudos."

"Oh! Buck! Good to see you!" Larsadie said. "Your usual? Or, uh, let me see if I still have some mozzerella in the employee fridge--"

"I appreciate it," Saduck said with a dismissive wave. "But this is on account of the notable strangeness." They casually leaned against the counter, a little more difficultly than usual due to the height difference. "Have you looked outside lately?"

"It was dark when I got here," Sadie said. "Guess in the name of scientific curiosity we can take a quick peek out."

Several minutes later, they actually got outside of the Big Donut. There was a bigass spaceship hovering over the lighthouse, looking like someone had plated over a giant radish and covered it with ominous blinking lights. Periodically it fired lasers at things--seagulls mainly, sometimes just sort of into the air.

"Huh," Sadie said, shielding her eyes. "Well, that doesn't look like our usual alien invasion."

"Man, why do we have to have two alien species to deal with?" Larsadie said. "It's bogus enough we have one trying to bust us up."

"The universe is truly a vast and unknowable place," Saduck said after swallowing a mouthful of Caprese salad. "It is humbling to realize that we are but a little side neighborhood in the greater galactic community."

"Yeah, the neighborhood the cops don't go to."

"I consider that a blessing. A-CAB."

"Well," Sadie said, a little louder than conversationally, "where's the Gems and Steven? Did you see them mount a daring raid on the ship and that's why it's all--"

A laser struck the asphalt near where they stood with a terrifying CRACK and a rain of grit and glass.

"--all, uh, that?" Sadie said, cringing away from the attack. Larsadie having jumped into her arms made it a very precarious stance to take.

"I did not see them, no," Saduck said. "Aw, there's tar in my tomato. What a tremendous waste. You outdid yourself this time, Lars. Keep it up."

"S-s-ure thing!" Larsadie said, giving Saduck a thumbs up.

"Man," Sadie said. "Are we gonna have to solve this problem ourselves? Is there nobody else in town with the skills to pay the alien-invasion bills?"

* * *

Fifteen minutes later at the base of the lighthouse hill, Mayor Sadiefua dropped a grappling hook gun into Sadie's hands. "There you go, child," Sadiefua said. "Don't be solvin' this too quickly, I've got to take this nice new body of mine for a walk!" She did a few stretches. "Ahhh, so very much cartilage! My bones feel like they're connected with pillows!"

"Great," Sadie said. "Have a good time."

A crowd of Sadies gave her very half-hearted applause as she turned around and climbed up the hill to the lighthouse.

"Get my girls back on time, donut child!" Sadofi said. "For they were definitely abducted between when I entered your store and when I exited, bear claw in hand!"

"I, for one," Peedie... Sadee? The White-Hot Sadie-Peedee said, "couldn't give two honks if she succeeds or not. My newfound height is giving me more power than I could ever dream of!"

"That's called 'height,' son!" Mr. Frysade said. "Yours was coming in any day."

"Silence, tiny peasant!" Sadie-Peedee said, standing on tiptoes for additional height.

Sadie climbed up to the top of the hill, took a five-minute breather, climbed up the interior of the lighthouse, took a breather at the halfway point, and took one last breather at the very top, because stairs were how the Devil said "I hate you." So rested, she took aim at the ominous hovering spaceship above, fired, found that what she thought was a port or like a sticky-outy gribbly piece was in fact flat, hand-cranked the rope back into the grappling hook launcher, took closer aim, actually hit something, winched herself up at great physical expense, and climbed into the alien invader's ship while cursing this bitch of a universe for daring to exist.

* * *

The ship's cooridors were ominously bleak hallways of black space-steel shined to a mirror polish, the ornamentation gothic and moody. The doors were all perfectly sized; she didn't have to reach up to open anything. The water fountains weren't condescendingly tiny (what, she was thirsty). There were photos labeled OUR CAPTAIN, but she had to check to see that they weren't...

"Good Lord," she muttered as she finally entered the main throne room of the invader captain person.

Seated on a great spiky throne was the evil Captain Sadie. She wore space leather head to toe in shades of black and purple with splashes of gold for ostentaceousness, along with a long dark cape with a huge Dracula collar, captain's hat/space crown, and suitably gothy makeup. Deep inside Sadie's heart, she knew she would dress that way if given the chance. Captain Sadie was endlessly tapping a button on her throne's armrest and looking mighty bored.

In a cage of space metal, there sat Amethyst, getting zapped by a ray that turned her into Sadiethyst, shortly before Amethyst shapeshifted back normal. The cycle repeated itself every few seconds as Captain Sadie hit the button. "Keep it up, dude," Amethyst said. "I can do this _all-l-l-l-l_ day." She turned the page in her magazine.

"Sadie!" Stevadie said from a cage dangling from the ceiling. "You are Sadie, right? Like, Sadie Classic?"

"Yeah, Steven, it's me," Sadie said, waving.

"Sadie!" Sadearl said, trying to force her chubby face through the bars as if shse were much skinnier, "You alone hold the key to saving us and restoring dignity to the planet!"

"Do I?" Sadie said, looking at Garnadie.

"Eh," Garnadie said, shrugging. Sadie had to admit, the giant cube afro look was a good one on herself. "My future vision's pretty spaced out right now. Yup... nothin' but Sadie."

"Huh?" Captain Sadie said, looking away from the cage with Amethyst in it. "Oh, crap, it's you. Damn it, I had a speech ready..." Captain Sadie fumbled around in her pockets. "Hold on a minute, this won't be long..."

"Whatever you do!" Sonnie (that's Sadie-Connie, don'tchaknow) said from her own cage, "You have to turn Lion back to normal first, because I don't think the Sadiefication process is supposed to do anything to cats, but it did something to Lion, and it's freaking me out!"

The less said about Sadion, the better.

"Wait a second," Sadie said. "What was that about 'the planet...?'"

"Could you give me more like five minutes?" Captain Sadie said. "I think I might've left it in my other space onesie, which would just be freakin' typical."

"I know, right?" Sadie said. "Can't tell you how many damn times I had to turn back around halfway to work because I forgot my badge."

"Urrgh. Command module, insert Sorting Signifier Symbol, category: Mood." She slapped the control panel. "Change, dammit!"

The Sadie ray zapped Amethyst again. This time, she didn't change back. "Oh no, it finally took!" Sadiethyst said. "Guess I don't have to be in this cage no more."

"Right," Captain Sadie said, hitting what Sadie guessed was the "cage open" button, since Amethyst's cage opened and she flung herself out at high speeds just as the Captain stammered "--wait! _Shit!_ You tricked me, purple one!"

"Sure did!" Amethyst said, rolling up aside Sadie and drawing her whip. "Wanna mix it up, _chica espacial_?"

"Not really!" Captain Sadie said, standing up and flinging back her cape. "But I guess I have to!"

"You got this, Sadie!" Stevadie said, pumping a fist in heroic solidarity.

"Please have this," Sadearl said.

"Woo," Garnadie said, giving two thumbs up.

Captain Sadie pulled a ray gun of some sort from her belt, but not before Sadie, who just had her grappling hook gun aimed already, shot her in the stomach with the grappling hook, which punched her really hard. "-- _hork!_ " she said, falling to her knees and clutching her abdomen. "Hoh, man, that really hurt!"

"You wanna tap out or am I gonna have to tap you again?" Sadie said, rapidly winching the rope back. Come on, faster, faster...

"No... _hoof_... no, I'm good."

"Dang it," Amethyst said, returning her whip.

Captain Sadie removed her captain's crown-hat and held it out tentatively. "I guess that makes you captain of the ship now, alien scout."

Sadie tilted her head. "Alien... like, do you mean, I'm a scout sent to do alien stuff, or am I an alien scouting this place out?"

"Well!" Captain Sadie said, settling in to a seated pose on the floor, "back at Planet Sad, we send out specialized infiltration clones to, you know, sneak in and ready planets for conquest. I scanned this jawn for scouts and found you and figured, well, this planet looks pretty ready to take over, so--" She blew a raspberry. "And then you hit me."

"You send out clones?" Sadie said.

"Yeah, so that's your tragic backstory revealed at last," Captain Sadie said. "Want a few minutes to grapple with it?"

"I can give you protips!" Stevadie said.

"I hate to burst your bubble," Sadie said, "but I was born to a human mom and human dad. No space stuff was involved."

"...really?" Captain Sadie said.

"Yeah, trust me, they'd have known and told me about it. In fact..." She dug around in her pocket and called mom real quick. "Mom, am I a space clone? Did I fall to Earth in a rocket or something?"

"Oh, no, hon!" Sadie's Mom Sadie said. "You're as all-natural as the really expensive orange juice at the Ham Panther. Is this about the spaceship and everybody looking like you?"

"Yeah, kinda. Gotta get back to it, see you later, mom." After exchanging goodbyes she hung up. "Yeah, I'm a normal Earth person."

Captain Sadie had caught her breath. "Well. Shit! We've been scouring the universe for the appearance of our God-Empress, whom we have foretold by prophecy. We sculpted our specie in Her image, anticipating her discovery in what was then the future." She bowed. "So, uh. Hi, God."

"Sadie..." Sonnie said, "Think carefully about what you're about to do."

Sadion, a giant pink Sadie in lion-themed pajamas, turned over onto their back and resumed napping.

"Hrrrm." Sadie pondered. "How big of a space empire am I getting, anyway?"

* * *

Two days later, things were back to normal.

And by that I mean the new normal.

In her moon-sized space station hovering ominously above the Earth, from atop her ten-story Levitating Darkness Throne of gold, platinum, and lasers firing in all directions, God-Empress Sadie took a long sip of Stella Artois and said, "Take it once more from the top, jesters."

The IMAX-sized ultra-hi-def view screen showed her array of jesters standing in place. In one voice, around seven billion Sadie-looking humans in stupid costumes said, 'What's the deal with astronaut food? It's very dry!'" The voice of seven billion Sadies echoed across the benighted Earth.

Empress Sadie groaned. "That's seriously the best you can come up with?"

One of her seven billion court jesters raised a hand. She zoomed in on them. "Yes, Saduck?"

"You gotta bear with us, Sadie," Saduck said. "The writers are on strike again. They contest your ruling about feghoots."

"Only old-ass sci-fi writers care about feghoots!" Sadie said, thumping her stein of Stella and accidentally launching multiple nuclear warheads into the moon. "And I am a very new-ass sci-fi person! A new era dawns!"

"I'll try and smooth the negotiations over, m'am," Saduck said.

"Alright, alright," Sadie said, zooming back out. "Whatever, let's keep the ball rolling. Maybe it'll pick up. And a one, a two, a--"

"Empress Sadie, what have you done?" Sadearl said as she shuffled into the throne room. "You've made a fool of everyone! You've made a fool of every-o-o-o-ne! Empress Sadie, ooh, what have you done?!"

"I'm a busy woman and I need constant entertainment to maintain my sanity," Sadie said, crossing her arms. "Sadion! The hoops!"

Sadion sniffed around the flaming hoops, padded away, and sat in a box that was just large enough to hold her giant Sadie-paws.

"Are you at least working on curing us of our Sadieness?" Sadearl said.

"Sure," Empress Sadie lied. "Any day now."

"Empress Sadie," muttered Sadearl, "you'll get yours yet."

The Empress returned her attention to her jesters. "Okay, finally. And a one, and a two, and a three--"

* * *

Yellow and Blue Diamond camped their handships out at a safe distance from the Earth, which now swarmed with thousands of mighty Sadie-cult battleships.

"Well," Yellow said, "fuck this place."

"Agreed," Blue said, knocking back half an ultra-Nebuchadnezzar of Arcturan despair-wine.

They headed back to Homeworld.


End file.
